You fear you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? Yet they always seem to sincerely apologise for the stress, trauma or abuse they cause you with their self-absorbed behaviour.
Still, don’t be so trusting of a person’s ‘guilt’ if they suffer from the mental health condition, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), psychologist and therapists have warned.
This is because ‘their mind prevents them from recognising any wrongdoing’ – and if they do display regret ‘it is not because they hurt you’, according to Psychology Today, ‘it is for losing something that they value’.
Dr Elinor Greenberg, gestalt therapy trainer, wrote for the publication that a narcissist’s partner is a ‘possession, not a real person’, adding that ‘they do not care how you feel, even though they may pretend otherwise.’
‘When narcissists say, “I love you,” they really mean something closer to the following: “I will love you as long as you fulfil my needs and make me feel good,”‘ claimed the expert.
Speaking exclusively to FEMAIL, UK-based psychologist Jessen James, said: ‘Most narcissists do not feel any guilt about abusing their loved ones because their mind prevents them from recognising any wrongdoing.
‘Their psychological defences basically go up to protect their own well-being. They are number one in their world.
‘This, as well as their self-image, helps them justify these actions, often convincing themselves that the other person deserved it or provoked them.
‘Since they pass any blame to others, they rarely experience the kind of remorse that would result in any meaningful change, which is where the pattern persists and how other people identify them as a narcissist.
‘So, if any consequences fall onto them, their reaction is not to feel guilt or any form of self-reflection; instead, they can feel annoyed or even angry at the other person.’
The human behaviour expert added: ‘They will very, very rarely feel remorse or hold any accountability for their involvement or actions.
‘Narcissists use blame to not experience guilt. Their lack of guilt stems from them feeling like the world owes them something, they are being hard done by and will not be made to feel inferior.’
Meanwhile, Rhian Kivits, sex and relationship therapist, claimed that if a narcissist does show an emotion that looks like remorse, it could just be to ‘manipulate’ the situation to their benefit.
The expert told FEMAIL: ‘Sadly, narcissists are entirely self-focused and all their behaviours reflect the fact that they prioritise getting their own needs met. They can be extremely manipulative and very convincing too.
‘So when they’re showing remorse this is a strategy to get the outcome they want. It may be that by behaving as if they are sorry for their behaviour, they’re hoping to suck you back in, regain your favour or con you back into a false sense of security within the relationship.
‘Ultimately this secures their sense of power of you and consolidates their ability to control you.
‘The other thing to understand is that narcissists have a huge fear of being exposed for who they are. So they’ll often fake remorse so that you continue to see them as a good person.
‘They want to appear perfect as they are terrified of their own flaws being seen. If they need to feign an apology to restore the way others perceive them, they’ll do it.
‘And finally, many narcissists fear rejection and abandonment. This is because while they put on a tough, powerful exterior, inside they are deeply insecure individuals.
‘They’ll apologise or show remorse to mitigate the risk of losing you. In reality their position is that if anyone is leaving the relationship, it will be them – they want to retain that position of power.
‘So if they think an apology or remorse will mean that you’ll stay with them, this is what they’ll offer you.
‘It’s hard to comprehend but a narcissist lacks empathy – so they are not showing remorse because they have compassion for how they have made you feel.
‘It’s always fake behaviour designed to meet their needs and to ensure they retain the opportunity to abuse the people they are in relationships with.’
The expert continued: ‘Showing remorse is also part of the trauma bond – the toxic connection between a narcissist and their partner.
‘The trauma bond is formed by repeated cycles of abuse (creating stress, trauma, cortisol within the victim) followed by reconnection (creating relief, a false sense of ‘safety’, dopamine within the victim).
‘The trauma bond keeps victims of narcissistic abuse stuck in a trap that feels addictive and explains why it can be so hard to leave a narcissistic relationship.
‘The narcissist has learned that showing remorse is what instigates reconnection and keeps their hold over their victim. This is why they get so good at it.
‘They have no moral filter either, so they don’t ever feel bad about the fact their remorse isn’t genuine – it works for them, so they feel like they’re winning and that is all that counts.’
