I have gone through more friendship break-ups than I care to admit and, controversially, I believe that makes me a better friend. It might even keep me younger too.
A study last week revealed that toxic friendships cause premature biological ageing, comparable to that triggered by smoking. New York University found that social exchanges with so-called frenemies can cause chemical changes to DNA by keeping the body in a state of high stress.
I’m not surprised. As a life coach, time and again I see women who stay in friendships long after they have turned destructive. When you do this, you’re not only contributing to the toxicity, but losing self-respect – and now, it seems, ageing yourself as well. Here’s how to spot a future frenemy or one already wreaking damage on your DNA…
You need a nap after seeing them
One of the most surprising things for me was realising I wanted to sleep after hanging out with a friend. In my book Bad Friend, about healing from broken friendships, I talk about some people being energy ‘drains’ and others being ‘radiators’ of it.
That desire to nap was an indication that all my energy had been depleted. When you are around the right people, they should restore your energy not take it away.
Her comments have a subtext
Keep an eye on passive aggressive comments, often disguised as jokes. One friend wouldn’t believe that a man who’d been flirting with me was interested. ‘He’s just a flirty guy, Michelle,’ she told me. Was it so unthinkable that he actually liked me? She seemed to think so.
If you always feel worse about yourself when you walk away from an interaction, start paying more attention to the subtext of the comments she makes.
Your love life is a joke to her
With one set of friends, I started noticing that all the jokes were about me being single. Whenever I was apart from them, I felt fine in my single status, but when I was around them my love life started feeling like a joke. They were using my single status to make themselves feel superior. The truth was, none of them were happy in their relationships and they would all break up within a year! If you aren’t happy about something in your own life, don’t push your friends down to make yourself feel bigger and better.
He means more to her than you do
Does she always prioritise her romantic relationships over your friendship? Do you never have her full attention when out for lunch because she’s texting under the table? Does she cancel plans with you the moment he’s free? If she disappears every time a man appears – and yet expects her friends to be there when it all goes wrong – then she’s using you. It’s important to remember that friendships matter too – and often, a lot more.
She’s critical of other women
You should be looking for friends who both celebrate your wins and support you when you’re low. When meeting new people, pay attention to how someone speaks about other women – particularly their friends. If they’re gossipy about them, the likelihood is they’ll be just as willing to talk about you behind your back.
Recently I overheard a woman say, ‘love her to bits, but we all know she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed’. She wasn’t demonstrating a conspiratorial sort of closeness, but instead simple unkindness.
You make all the effort
Friendship requires effort on both sides, and you deserve people who’ll reciprocate the time and energy you put in. Is your friend always focused on themselves? If you find the support you provide in their time of need never seems to be repaid, start asking yourself if they’re being as good a friend to you as you are to them. Going into hospital I noticed who showed up in my life and, more importantly, who didn’t.
It’s you – you’re toxic!
Writing a book titled Bad Friend, you can imagine the number of jokes I’ve received about whether I am the Bad Friend. If I’m going through so many friendship break-ups, surely I’m the common denominator? And honestly, maybe I am the problem!
It’s important we see how our behaviour contributes to friendship issues.
Do you ever dump on your friends without checking if they have the time and mental bandwidth to listen? All it takes is a simple ‘Can I talk to you about something?’ before you let rip.
Similarly, make sure what you’re saying isn’t bringing up uncomfortable stuff for her too. Maybe when a friend goes quiet, you take it personally instead of asking if they are OK. If a friend is behaving out of character, it usually means they have something important going on in their life and you should investigate what that is.
One of my favourite quotes from the book is ‘adult friendship is hard because we are all tired’.
Yet those friendships can also be the most rewarding, joyous relationships of our lives – so long as we all know the rules.
- Bad Friend by Michelle Elman (£20, Renegade Books) is out now.
