She sat in my clinic, tissue in hand, and said something I’ve heard countless times: ‘He has no idea how unhappy I am.’ Her husband, she explained, thought everything was fine. The arguments had stopped, after all.
What he hadn’t realised was that the silence wasn’t peace, it was surrender. She had simply given up trying to make him understand.
This woman wanted adventure and connection. She dreamed of travelling, of dinner parties with friends, of feeling truly alive in this next chapter of her life. Her husband wanted to stay at home, watch television and keep things exactly as they were. The chasm between them had grown so wide she couldn’t see a way across.
Her story is far from unusual. A recent survey by law firm Mishcon de Reya found that a third of female midlife divorcees reported feeling happier than ever after the split.
And there are more of them than ever too. Between 2005 and 2015, the number of women divorcing aged 65 and over increased by 38 per cent, Office for National Statistics data reveals. These ‘grey divorces’ are overwhelmingly female-led: women now initiate nearly two-thirds of all marital splits.
But here’s what troubles me. Many of these marriages could have been saved. The woman in my clinic had spent years dropping hints, hoping her husband would somehow intuit what she needed. When he didn’t, she stopped trying altogether. He thought everything was fine because she had stopped telling him it wasn’t. They were both stuck in a pattern that was destroying their marriage and neither could see it.
What goes wrong? At its heart, the problem is often about diverging needs in midlife. Women in their 50s frequently experience a surge of energy and ambition. The children have grown, their career is established or winding down, and suddenly there’s space to ask: what do I want from this next chapter?
At this point, they’re likely to be through the worst symptoms of perimenopause and menopause or managing them with medication. The people-pleasing effects of oestrogen will be long gone. Many women want adventure, connection, new experiences.
But men often become more introverted with age. Exhausted from decades of work pressure, they’re content with routine and genuinely puzzled by their wife’s restlessness. They’re not being deliberately difficult, they simply don’t feel the same urgent need for novelty and stimulation.
This mismatch breeds a particular kind of resentment. The wife feels held back, her husband a dead weight anchoring her to a life she’s outgrown. While the husband feels nagged and unappreciated. Neither is entirely wrong, but neither is truly listening.
The good news is that marriages can survive this and even thrive beyond it. But as a man, let me tell you bluntly, if women really want the relationship to change, they have to take a different approach – even if feels like the kind of emotional labour they’ve done all their lives and are all too keen to give up. Here are five ways to start the conversation and stop the resentment:
1. Say what you need, without criticism
Many women express unhappiness through complaints about specific behaviours when what they are really talking about are needs not being met.
‘You never want to go anywhere’ lands very differently from ‘I’m feeling trapped and I need more adventure in my life. Can we talk about how to make that happen?’ The first invites defensiveness, the second collaboration.
2. His introversion is not indifference
Your husband’s reluctance to socialise or try new things may not mean he doesn’t care about your happiness. He may simply be wired differently.
Try to understand what drains him and what recharges him. Finding activities you can enjoy together, rather than ones he merely tolerates, will serve you both better in the long run.
3. Stop waiting for him to read your mind
Years of hoping that he’ll notice your unhappiness and spontaneously change are likely to have left you exhausted and resentful.
But many men don’t pick up on indirect signals. Be explicit about what you need and be specific about what would help. Give him a fair chance to respond to a clear request.
4. Build a fulfilling life, with or without him
You don’t need his permission to see friends, take up new hobbies, or book that trip.
A marriage where both partners have rich, independent lives is often stronger than one where everything must be done together. Let go of the resentment if he says he won’t join you and go anyway.
5. Suggest therapy before you give up
Couples therapy works best when both partners still want to make things work. If you wait until you’ve already checked out emotionally, it’s often too late.
Frame it not as an admission of failure but as an investment in your future together. If he refuses, consider going alone to gain clarity on what you want.
Midlife can be a second chance for marriages, not just an ending. But seizing that chance requires honest communication and a willingness to see your partner’s perspective, even when you’re hurt. Don’t let silence become your only language.
The time to speak up is now. You deserve to be happy.
Chris’s healing trip with dad
There’s a moment in Chris Hemsworth’s new documentary that stopped me in my tracks. The Australian actor is sitting in the Outback with his father Craig, who has early-stage Alzheimer’s disease. As Craig talks about his wild days wrangling buffalo, something remarkable happens. The fog lifts. He becomes himself again.
Reminiscence therapy, as it’s formally known, involves using photographs, music, old haunts and conversations about the past to stimulate the brain.
Clinical psychologist Dr Suraj Samtani explains that retrieving memories exercises the hippocampus, the part of the brain that Alzheimer’s attacks.
So many families facing dementia feel helpless. But reminiscence therapy reminds us that we all carry something therapeutic within us: our shared history. All you need are old photo albums, familiar songs, the ability to ask questions and to listen.
Type 2 diabetes is often reversible through lifestyle changes. This is where continuous glucose monitors (CGM) come in. These small sensors, worn on the arm, measure blood sugar levels in real time and send the data to your phone.
Recent research shows that adults with Type 2 diabetes who wore their sensor for more than 270 days in a year saw significantly greater improvements in blood sugar control than those who used it sporadically. It’s a brilliant tool we should be using much more.
Singers who achieved celebrity status died on average four years earlier than those who were less well known, research shows. Fame, it turns out, carries roughly the same risk as occasional smoking.
Be careful what you wish for.
Dr Max prescribes… eating with others
Older adults who regularly eat alone face poorer nutrition, weight loss and earlier frailty than those who share meals with others, Flinders University in Australia has found. Food is more than fuel. It’s connection. If you live alone, invite a friend for supper. Join a lunch club. It doesn’t matter what you eat – it matters who you eat it with.
