My mother Betty is 96 years old, lives on her own, is as sharp as ever, belly-laughs with friends and never forgets a birthday. Family, neighbours – even strangers – love being around her.
But here’s the thing – my mother has never been particularly athletic, she enjoys pudding, sips the occasional cocktail, and is the first to admit she didn’t always have the best attitude to health when she was younger. So how is she thriving in her later years?
Spoiler alert: it’s not her genes and it’s not just luck. Nor is it her secret perfect health or a life free from hardship.
In fact, it’s not a secret at all – it’s science.
As a gerontologist, I’ve spent 35 years researching the factors that enable people to thrive in the second half of life. And what I’ve discovered is the crucial importance of something we rarely talk about.
When it comes to longevity, we focus on lifespan (how long we live) or healthspan (how many of those years are spent in good health), but what’s the point of a long, healthy life if you’re not enjoying it?
As geriatrician Dr Louise Aronson observes: ‘We’ve added a couple of decades, essentially an entire generation, on to our lives and we haven’t figured out how to handle it.’
That’s where ‘joyspan’ comes in. Joyspan is about more than physical health. It’s the experience of psychological wellbeing and satisfaction in your 60s, 70s, 80s and well beyond.
As a specialist in geriatric medicine, I’ve had a front-row seat to observe people, and their families, navigate old age.
What struck me most was the radical differences in how people experienced ageing. For some, it is a frustrating, degrading, painful trajectory of ever-increasing decline. For others, there is visible delight, spirituality, and joy in occupying those eighth, ninth and tenth decades.
And the people in the second category were not only happier but lived longer, healthier lives. Scientists at Yale University found that those with positive beliefs about ageing lived seven and a half years longer than those who held negative beliefs.
Why is that? Well, a positive emotional state triggers the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine which not only enhance mood but also improve our immune response. Positive emotions also combat stress, lower blood pressure and decrease systemic inflammation, which reduces the likelihood of heart disease and stroke – two leading causes of mortality worldwide.
Joy doesn’t just keep you happy, it keeps you alive.
I have scoured the findings of decades of studies to find the proven strategies that help people like my mother maximise their wellbeing and longevity.
So, here’s how you can extend your joyspan so you can live a long, healthy and happy life – just like my mother.
Embrace the good parts of ageing
From the time we were toddlers we’ve been fed a steady diet of ‘old is bad’ messaging. Fairy tales like Hansel and Gretel teach us that old women are ugly witches who will boil and eat you. The impact of these negative attitudes towards ageing is staggering.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) estimates that 6.3 million cases of depression worldwide can be attributed to the effects of ageism.
I’m not saying ageing is a walk in the park (anyone who believes ‘age is just a number’ clearly hasn’t reached the big numbers yet) but, with all the emphasis on what’s lost, a crucial part of the conversation has been missing: what gets better as you get older. A growing body of research shows that there are things we gain as we age.
For a start we’re liberated by the fact that we don’t care what other people think of us nearly as much as we once did. Reduced activity in the medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved with social evaluation, means we’re far less likely to dwell on social judgments past the age of 50.
Growing older is linked to greater emotional stability and overall wellbeing. A study from the Stanford Centre on Longevity showed that older people are more emotionally balanced, can better solve emotional problems, and are more adept at resisting emotional temptations, like lashing out in anger or becoming overly disturbed by setbacks.
Again, that’s because of positive changes in the brain. As we age, the amygdala becomes less reactive to negative stimuli, helping us stay calm. Combined with years of experience in navigating life’s ups and downs, it’s this wiser brain that makes older adults more emotionally resilient.
Laugh more
Children laugh all the time –on average, 300 times a day. A Gallup poll of 1.4 million adults across 166 countries reveals, however, that laughter declines sharply around age 23 and continues to dip into middle age. By 40 the average person only laughs around four times a day.
Humour is an essential component of your joyspan – and your healthspan. Laughter releases endorphins and reduces markers of inflammation, the precursor to most chronic diseases. It also improves blood flow, lowers blood pressure and strengthens the immune system by reducing the stress hormone cortisol.
Make a habit of finding at least one thing to laugh about each day. Laugh (loudly) at your next mistake. Call someone who makes you laugh – even if you haven’t spoken to them in years, track them down and reconnect.
Go to a comedy club or find an in-person or online ‘laughter yoga class’, which combines intentional laughter with breathing exercises to improve mood and reduce stress.
Look after your Dunbar circle
Independence is often upheld as a marker of success and self-worth. People are encouraged to ‘stand on their own two feet’, to be ‘self-made’, and to pursue individual goals with minimal reliance on others. Yet the idea of complete independence is a myth – and one that can be isolating and even damaging.
We were designed for connection, and we are harmed by loneliness. As we grow older, connection becomes more essential, not less.
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar explains: ‘Friendship and loneliness are two sides of the same social coin, and we lurch through life from one to the other.’ It gets even more ‘lurchy’ when our friends, spouses, and relatives move or pass away. Dr. Dunbar created an approach to fostering connections that is practical, tested, and simple: the Dunbar circle. Your Dunbar circle is a bullseye made up of concentric circles. You are at the centre of the bullseye. As you move outwards, each concentric circle has more people but with less meaningful connection.
The first ring is the close friend ring. Here are five people that you would be comfortable calling if you had good or bad news or needed a favour.
After close friends is the good friend ring – perhaps 15 of them. We see these friends less often, but the relationships are warm and reciprocal in some way. Next comes the friend ring – up to 50 people we know a bit and whom we would casually call a friend but are not especially close to. Finally, the ring that consists of acquaintances contains up to 100 people you know, but not well.
Draw up your own Dunbar circle, and then – in addition to your current connections – write down those who you would like to move up a circle. It might be a family member, neighbour, old friend you’ve lost touch with or interesting acquaintance – anyone you’d like to know better.
It’s important to foster your existing close relationships too. You know that friend who instigates connection? The one who picks up the phone just to check in? The one who is there when you need them? Be that friend. We often get so caught up in the fact that nobody is reaching out to us, we forget that we can do the reaching out.
Embrace life’s challenges
When our daughter Claire was diagnosed with a brain tumour aged 24, a tidal wave of fear and grief crashed over us.
In the doctor’s office, I thought I might throw up as I tried to take in this new, terrifying information. It was an awful time.
And yet I can honestly say, much to my surprise, that this nightmarish episode helped me stronger. Psychologists call it post-traumatic growth (PTG) – the psychological changes and personal development that can occur as a result of struggling with highly challenging, stressful, or traumatic life events. When the episode is over, rather than simply returning to how you were before, you surpassprevious levels of resilience, perspective and even wellbeing.
After Claire’s illness, I gained a greater appreciation for life, had built stronger relationships and had learned to accept that many things are out of our control. I had to face that we can’t protect our children from all the hard stuff. I’m more resilient now because of what we went through.
Claire, likewise, says she has greater empathy and a fiercer drive to help others. Survivors of traumatic illnesses often report feeling more connected to their values and more grateful for life.
I am happy to report Claire is now in medical school, as she and the neurosurgeons opted to ‘watch and wait’ in the hope that the tumour will not grow.
Regardless of what life brings – and challenges will come – you can adapt with joy.
In a journal or on a sheet of paper, write yourself a letter describing how you have grown through a challenge or a loss that you endured. End the letter with ‘You are resilient’ – because you are.
Set ‘curiosity goals’
Learning is widely recognised as something which protects us from cognitive decline. Engaging in intellectually stimulating activities forms new neural connections, bolsters memory retention, and supports overall sharpness.
Neuroscience shows that learning promotes the production of brain-derived neurotrophic factors, proteins that support the growth and survival of neurons.
At the age of 95, an American woman called Nola Ochs graduated from Fort Hays State University in Kansas after earning a general studies degree with an emphasis in history. Not content to stop there, she completed a master’s degree in liberal studies at 98, and became the world’s oldest graduate – definitive proof that age is no barrier to academic achievement and that it extends your life (Nola lived happily to be 105).
Curiosity goals don’t have to focus on specific achievements but can instead encourage exploration and learning. You might set a goal to read a book on a topic you know little about, attend a lecture on a new subject, or explore a new hobby each month.
Think about what you’re good at, activities you enjoy, and values that are meaningful to you.
What are you curious about? Do you have an interest in learning a new language? Going somewhere new? Teaching someone something? Find what sparks you.
Cultivate ‘identity resilience’
Self-acceptance is the ability to recognise and acknowledge all aspects of yourself – strengths and weaknesses – without criticism.
This is especially important as we age. The goal is ‘identity resilience’ – the ability to see yourself less in terms of societal roles (employee or parent, for example) and more in terms of internal qualities and personal values.
Yes, it’s undeniably harder to practise self-acceptance in a culture obsessed with youth. All those external signs of ageing – wrinkles, thinning hair, muffin tops – can trigger insecurities.
Yet I’ve seen beauty in thousands of long-lived people. My mother, at 96, is one of many radiant older women and men around the globe. Rather than striving to ‘preserve’ a youthful appearance (which is impossible), these people have shifted to nurturing ageless qualities: kindness, curiosity, warmth, humour, strength and resilience.
When you feel at ease with yourself, your inner confidence shines through, creating a presence that transcends physical appearance. This magnetic energy draws people to you not for how you look, but for how you make them feel. This is self-acceptance. Take a moment to write down qualities you admire that go beyond physical appearance. Think about the people you hold in high regard and consider what you appreciate about them. Can you channel these qualities?
