Scatter cushions and bedspreads. Why? What for? If it wasn’t for the waste and environmental impact, I’d make a huge pile and torch them all. You’d see the fire from the moon. Alternatively, pick them apart and make something useful out of them. I’d collect them by means of a national scatter cushion and bedspread amnesty. Post them to a facility and leave the rest to me.
Let’s take bedspreads first. Big, heavy, useless. Especially the one on the bed at my mum’s house. I can’t always summon the strength to drag it off the bed and leave it in a heap on the floor. If I do, along with leaving no floor space for anything else, this earns me a fierce bollocking. I am commanded to heave it out of the bedroom and hang it on the bannister, which creaks beneath its formidable weight. Then, when my stay is over, I have to wrangle the bedspread back on to the bed, as it is far too heavy for her to handle. I always ask what purpose it serves. I’ve never had an answer.
You’d hope these bastard things were a thing of the past, but no. As the Australian bedlinen company My Linen has it: “Now, you might wonder, are bedspreads still in style? The answer is a resounding yes!” Oh God, surely not. “They are experiencing a resurgence in popularity due to their versatility and ability to transform a bedroom into a cosy retreat.”
And then there’s the cushions. Mountains of them. Every night I hurl them off, cursing quietly. Every morning they are replaced. Off, on, off, on, for ever. Serving no purpose whatsoever in between the ons and the offs.
I suspect they proliferate because they’re thought to make good gifts. Don’t know what to give? How about a nice cushion? Everyone loves a cushion! And I’m not sure they ever get thrown out or given away. The pile, the problem, the misery just grows, pillow upon pillow. This madness must stop.
